I thoroughly enjoyed this blog, go read the whole thing if you’re of mind to do so, but herewith a summary: (its quite humerous and I’d recommend it)
You dont have to impress each other
There are several ways to do this, but the result has to be the same: it’s you getting to a point where you can share the worst parts of yourself and not judge the other person when they do the same. This is why meeting on the Internet works so well for some people – they actually find it easier to be open and honest with a faceless person. For other people, they try dating somebody they’ve already become friends with – they were at the party where you accidentally pooped yourself in high school, there’s no need to pretend you’re suave. Or, maybe you just date somebody long enough that those barriers all fall down one by one, against your will.
You have learned how to trust
You’re not born with the ability to trust – as a newborn baby, you screamed your head off the moment Mom left the room, for fear you’d been abandoned. Trust is learned. I never had a reason to trust someone in my younger years, so my default position was to assume the worst. She’s working late? Yeah, working some dude’s dick! Going out to eat with friends? More like going out to eat with multiple dicks slapping her boobs! The other person’s actual track record had nothing to do with it.
You become friends
You can’t make a relationship work unless you actually enjoy each other’s non-sex company. If that sounds like rock-stupid obvious advice, then you don’t realize what a massive number of married couples didn’t follow it before shopping for rings.
Neither of you are in debt to the other
“Pulling their weight.” That’s the problem.
Don’t picture your relationship as two people pulling a wagon. It’s like two legs carrying a person.
If you break a toe, your legs don’t have an argument about the fact that one of them is forcing you to limp. You just automatically change your stride and keep going.
It’s hard as hell to get into the two legs mindset. If, say, you’re working and the other one isn’t, or if you’re working more hours, it’s easy to get to thinking that it’s your money, like you’re the father doling out an allowance, and that your significant other has to answer for every penny.
You Are Truly Grasping What “Forever” Means
Imagine marriage didn’t even exist as a thing. Like imagine you didn’t live in a society where marriage is expected and where you continually get shit from people for not “tying the knot.” Imagine all of those social pressures were gone, nobody was nagging you about it. Would you still make the promise to stay with this person forever? Are you getting married because you want to be married? Or just because that’s what people do? A stunning number of marriages seem to happen because of the latter.
but isnt the institution of marraige outdate now?
why do you have to take your husband’s surname? what is the point? maybe if there are kids involved it makes sense. maybe also from a her/hers/ours point of view. but you can just as easily draw up a contract that says the same as a pre-nup.
point and case; a chick that i worked with, had been with her partner for 15 years. got a house and dogs together. the toot. no kids. then, all of a sardine, he pops the question. why? whats the point? you are already living together like a married couple. why now add a ring to the fray? it wont make an ounce of difference to the relationship dynamic. he wont suddenly put the toiletseat down, and she wont suddenly stop spending insane amounts on shoes.
i told my s/o, that getting married after 15 years of being together is pointless, he says it isnt.
in my mind, if in a year or two, you cant make your mind up if you want to be with someone in that way, then move along. if you make a big enough commitment to move in together, and then doing just that for years on end, what difference is getting hitched going to make? nothing will change. except then you have to cough up cash for a wedding and a honeymoon, and parentals will expect sprogs.
if you are marriage-inclined, then do so within 5 years of hooking up. leaving it later than that, does not make any sense to me.
I’m with you on all those statements GCG, the only thing that (to me at least) is crucial, is the fact that without the marriage certificate, you cannot sign for your partner in a medical emergency and if there is no will in place, you have no rights on his/her estate, it will go to the closest family (kids/ex/parents/siblings). For me it was the medical thing that bugged me endlessly, as well as the fact that I know what his wants are in the event of death, and his family would insist on a xtian ceremony complete with a tombstone to mark his passing.
I am taking his surname simply because I want to, but I declined the ring, I’m not a puppy requiring a collar. We also spurned the whole traditional ceremonial mess by visiting Home affairs and it was for FREE!! (bonus), and we’re only intend telling the various family about the wedding that took place in April this coming October during a halloween party we’re hosting…
Our marriage was (and is) about US, and what we wanted, not society and not norm. There was some romance involved (well, I find it romantic)but it was a pragmatic decision born out of an “us and them” attitude, that piece of paper simply gave us more freedom over each other (sound weird I know), and effectively excluded the close family on both sides from our chosen paths (atheist, secular and as both sides like to describe us individually and as a couple “weird”).
Yeah, it’s about the legalities IMHO. Legalities that shouldn’t be like that, but I guess they have to draw the line somewhere.
We get constant flack for living in sin, in the guise of “innocent questions” that go: “So when are you getting married?”. I love the subtle implication that it’s not much of a choice, but rather inevitable and the only variable is time.
I’ve been with Scallywag for 11 years now. I know she wants to get married (she’s said so), but it’s against the law because I’m still married to the last wife whom I haven’t seen for a decade, and all attempts at divorce have dashed themselves on the rock of our ANC, which provides that I must supply stabling for her horses, muesli for her parrots and litter for her pussies. I’ve made out a cast iron will, so Scallywag gets everything. When nature takes its course and the fat bitch expires, I’ll marry Scallywag.
when i took my trip to the divorce courts, i didnt even have to pitch, it would go through without incident. but i wanted to rub his nose in how mindblowingly hot i looked.
it gets tricky when the other party gets difficult, thus horses and parrots and kak.
but surely, if you had a lawyer that is worth is salt, then he would have found a loophole yonks ago. you arent living together for ever, and any judge with half a braincell would throw her claims for money out the court, since she has been getting on well and fine for a good while now, without your help. and in order to get support from your ex-spouse, you have to run a fair gauntlet, let me tell you that. if she is better off than you financially, you might end up getting money from her!!! that would be fun.
maybe im a huge skeptic about tying the knot, coz i’ve been there, done that, got a shrink bill to show for it. and find it too goddamn scary to get yourself into a shitty situation like that again. i want to cut and run when i feel like it.
btw, there is a way to make your partner have pretty much any and all rights of a spouse, without trying the knot. the gay community sorted that out before their marriage became legal. Power of Attorney. so family can kiss your ass. That was a huge problem where families didnt accept gay couples, and when one partner was in hospital, the family wouldnt allow them near the partner. http://www.lawyersouthafrica.co.za/power-of-attorney/
No, I think she does want to, but she’s greedy. She wants a ton of maintenance for herself (the kids are grown up), and I’m not prepared to give it to her, so the whole process grinds to a halt.
You’re right that the court would laugh at her demands, but I’m not prepared to spend the kind of money that a contested divorce takes. The shysters will take everything and leave both of us paupers.
you sound like my boyfriend here. sounds like it’s just too much work to actually lift yer butt and do it?
read this here http://www.legalcity.net/Index.cfm?fuseaction-RIGHTS.article&ArticleID=1717205
from a woman’s perspective, and i would imagine Scallywag being no different, it seems that you would rather keep her on as the ‘other woman’, as opposed to pulling finger and getting rid of your ex. i wouldnt be too thrilled if i was her.
she has indicated she wants to get married, but she cant force you to get rid of your ex. so she has to be your skelmpie, while you dont want to rock the boat. what is more important? coughing up some cash to get rid of your ex, and making Scallywag happy by marrying her, or being a mizer and hiding behind lawyer’s bills.
the court wont grant her a cent. you know this. any lawyer with half a brain will tell her to get fucked. and if she has another boyfriend living with her, they will definitely tell her where to get off.
the court might make you help out with the kid’s studies or stuff, but if they are over 21, that is highly unlikely.
come now. take the plunge and show your woman that you respect her.
Sheesh GCG, Scalliwag is with her man for years now, if she honestly felt he didnt respect her, she’d have left. Stones mentioned an ANC contract, and although I have no idea what that particular contract contains, it will stand up in court regardless of time gone by. She knows the deal, and she accepted it, in the end, she is sharing her life with him, WITH the financial benefits that comes with it, if this thing lands up in court, the finances is going to be in a worse state than it is currently and the emotional stress is possibly not worth it. I’d rather think that Stones can stick a pretty little “stone” on her finger and they can be engaged forever if that is what floats their boat, but it doesnt sound like either is unhappy with the situation as it stands.
And since we’re instructing here, you must stop comparing every single man you come across with your ex. Yes, he was a bastard, but the majority men out there (and certainly all of those we know here) are good men (people), who does not deserve to be thought of in the same vein as your ex. How would you feel being accused of being a brainless pretty face by every man you meet and treated accordingly?
Why have a cellphone contract when you could use prepaid?
GCG, do you believe in having one partner at a time? Why not just screw around for ever and ever? There are varying degrees of commitment.
We have a whole host of options available to us, marriage is one option that works for some people. The challenge lies is knowing what kind of person we are and what life style we find fulfillment in.
>:D