PRE-RECORDED VOICE: Ladies and Gentlemen, John Edward.
JOHN EDWARD: Thank you, thank you.
STAN: Hey uh, I need to ask you a big favor. You, you did a reading on my best friend and uh, well you kind of messed him up.
JOHN EDWARD: Oh. The John Edward Show is not liable for opinions and materials given for entertainment purposes only.
STAN: Look, my friend Kyle won’t fly back home to Colorado. All I need you to do is just talk to him and tell him, you know, the whole talking to dead people isn’t for real.
JOHN EDWARD: Maybe it is for real.
STAN: Right, but it’s not. It’s a trick you do and I need you to just let my friend Kyle know that so he can go on with his life.
JOHN EDWARD: Look, people have the right to be skeptical. I really hear voices in my head.
STAN: Yes. We all hear voices in our heads. It’s called “intuition.” Get over yourself and tell my friend it’s just for fun.
JOHN EDWARD: Look, what I do doesn’t hurt anybody. I give people closure and help them cope with life.
STAN: No, you give them false hope and a belief in something that isn’t real.
JOHN EDWARD: But I’m a psychic.
STAN: No dude, you’re a douche.
JOHN EDWARD: I’m not a douche! What if I really believe that dead people talk to me?
STAN: Then you’re a stupid douche.
JOHN EDWARD: I think I’ve had of your bullying me! Get out of my house or I’ll run upstairs, lock myself in my panic room and call the police!
STAN: I’m nine years old.
JOHN EDWARD: I’m not talking to your friend and I’m not a douche! You’d better get out of my house, ’cause I’m gonna call the police!
STAN: You are so a douche! I’m nominating you for the Biggest Douche in the Universe award, you douche! Son of a bitch.