most of you on here have known me for a while, and some of you have met me in the flesh (poor you), and have seen my other half.
so, since my other half and i have been together for 8 months, well, on and off for over a year.
so we had a hissy fit the other day. and i says to him, that he is messing me around, coz he still doesnt love me, and i reconed that, if after a few months, the feeling wasnt there, then he should have let me know, then i could have called it a day before too much investment was made.
so he says then, that we should rather be friend then, coz he just doesnt feel in love.
so, now, man-dudes. wtf.
in my experience, i have allways been in love from the get-go with my partner. is there any other kind of love than the madly in love kind?
is my inexperience shooting me in the foot here?
I don’t think it’s inexperience GCG maybe naivity or the expectation that because you feel a certain way so would he. Some pseudo-psychologist crap I read once said that a woman will sleep with a man for (or the expectation of) love while a man will state he loves a woman to sleep with her ???
Feel love? I don’t know what that is. From a man’s perspective it normally starts with lust and if a relationship develops could result in mutual respect,comradeship,sharing, etc. The love I have for example for my children is totally different to what I feel for my wife.
If one is ‘in-love’ can that also become ‘out-of-love’? I told my wife of 41 years some time ago that I am not ‘in love’ with her, mainly because I don’t understand what being 'in-love’ really means…she was not a happy camper! We’re still married though.
Jisses so I’m just complicating things for you. (wtf!!)
the thing about being in love, for me anyhow, is being completely bezotted with that person, not being able to envision a day without them. poetry, picnics, signs in the sky type things.
i guess that’s what one would call love at first sight. or sheer stupidity. who knows. my logical mind tells me, that a relationship that builds gradually, have a greater chance of surviving in the long run. my heart, on the other hand, feels very much hurt that im not good enough to be in love with. just fuells every insecurity into a flaming freak-out.
whereas my poetry has previously had them gagga, he just goes ‘meh’. we dont have ‘a song’. he is nonplussed about being in australia for our first valentine’s day. whether we celebrate our annerversary is ‘meh’.
and yet, he is super affectionate, and we have an epic jol together.
he’s confusing the shite out of me
I feel love, but in my case it’s kept in check with a healthy degree of rational thinking… I am not the norm, and I know it.
MY experience is that love (for me) doesn’t happen overnight or “from the get go”. It took me a while to confess my love for my current girl, but I wanted it to be true when I said it. And it was, and is. Of course, I’m not immune to the “initial infatuation” phase where the other person is just the coolest most awesomest person you ever met, it gives you those butterflies and heart palpitations… and other base instincts kick in too… but my rational side takes over and says: “Ok dude, that’s just hormones (it is), keep at it and see if it becomes true love”. To me love is a heavy term, not to be just thrown about willy-nilly, you have to get over the hump of being blind to that person’s faults and get to the point where you see their faults, but that’s still OK.
It’s “take a bullet for that person” kinda stuff. BUT, you need initial infatuation and atleast some degree of interest to stick it out long enough to find out if you’re going to really love that person. And IMHO this takes a different amount of time for different people. Look at it like this: He was at least “in love” enough to be willing to sacrifice the time and energy to try.
At least he doesn’t string you along by confessing his love shallowly in order to keep you around for sex. Some men will actually do that, and it is not fair to waste another person’s time like that if you don’t think it’s going anywhere anymore.
To me, what I define as love is more total comfort, understanding, and long-term bonding than wild feelings. Wild feelings, to me, are fleeting and fickle … but you can’t help it always… in the end I find love defies logic and applying logic too rigorously almost always leads to more problems than it solves.
Reply to your second post: To me it sounds like he’s very happy to be with you, but not a “romantic”. This is probably a part of his personality that you can’t change. Not everyone thinks partnership is all serenades and poetry. I’m one of them.
BUT, I do realise my girl “needs” some attention, affection, and flowers every now and then. I guess the litmus is whether he’s willing to pull the stops even though he doesn’t feel like it, because he realises that you do.
he doesnt know if he wants to be around me, because he likes being around me, he doesnt know what he feels.
now we are edging on towards a year of actual relationship, and i cant help feeling, if it hasnt happened by a year, then it wont happen. and while he cant man-up, and sit down, and think long and hard what he wants, i dont appreceate being the last to know either. and trying to have a discussion, results in either two thing: complete backpeddling and defensiveness, or deer in headlights.
problem is, i can leave it be as it is, but my logical mind tells me, you are going to get hurt, so im emotionally disengaging, which is going to end up with me falling for someone else.
he doesnt know if he wants to be around me,.... he doesnt know what he feels.
he cant man-up, and sit down, and think long and hard what he wants,
... complete backpeddling and defensiveness, or deer in headlights.
Even when pushed, he can’t know what he doesn’t know… He may be scared he’ll lose you before he can figure it out. I get this sometimes in other dimensions of my life, and find I can’t force “knowing” what I want when I actually have no clue what I want. You’re trying to force an opinion he hasn’t yet formed.
Most men I’ve talked to take longer to commit than their female counterparts. Chicks are usually skimping for the wedding ring long before the man feels comfortable enough.
if it hasnt happened by a year, then it wont happen.
A lot of couples I know only really commit around year 3 to 4. Maybe that’s just my weird friends or something. She’s moving in now after a similar amount of years. That is an extreme case of shitty circumstances though, beyond my control… But I wouldn’t call a year authoritative.
i dont appreceate being the last to know either.
That’s just an illogical statement, he surely has to know before you do…
can leave it be as it is, but my logical mind tells me, you are going to get hurt, so im emotionally disengaging
I see this kind of “emotional fencing” a lot from chicks who are afraid they’ll get hurt. Ever think that may be exactly what he’s been doing?
At times we’ve both had thoughts about walking away… but we both found it extremely painful to even contemplate. Strangely, that’s what gives us confidence that we’re too attached to chuck in the towel. THAT has given us confidence that this thing is working.
hmmmm, wize words, master yoda.
you seem to get his state of mind well.
i could always slip weed into his coffee, and sit back, and wait for the oration to start… ;D
I can speculate but I don’t know his mind. The key here would be communication, you’re gonna have to talk openly.
(alright now I’m just starting to state the obvious. I’m out…)
As long as you are enjoying being together, don’t question it and try to pin it down with a name.
I’ve never been “in love” as most girls like to attest, never been “madly head over heels, kill myself if he doesnt kiss me in love”, its a foreign notion, but I also dont consider myself much like other girls. I do love my S/O, dearly too, but never went through the butterfly stage and I’m not an overly romantic person either. It took around 8/9 months before my S/O and I “formally” decided that we’re a couple and that we’d be quite happy to spend an unspecified period of time together, it was a rather formal discussion if, and that was about 3 years ago. For the first time a few weeks ago the man confessed to me that “You’re my everything Babes”, which is stuck in my memory forever - thats as far as romance goes in my home.
I dont think all that many men understand romance in the sense that women do, and it probably confuses the daylights out of him.
From my (female) point of view, if you can hold a conversation, enjoy each other’s company without getting on each other’s nerves, and share some basic interests, then there is no reason for the relationship not to evolve into a long term loving partnership - even if there is no true romance involved.
On the other hand, if you’re already entertaining the thought/possibility of falling for someone else, maybe the chap isnt right for you? Just keep in mind, there is no perfect partner out there, we all have issues, it depends on whether you would be willing to tolerate those issues in a partner (and vice versa) or not that would determine the success of the relationship.
Good luck GCG, its a tough one.
Fully agree. Also, it’s easy to live with another person’s good points…it’s the weaknesses that challenge you and if you can live with them (and we all have them) and he with yours, then this is the beginning of a process of give and take.
maybe this is just a brutal kick into adulthood. i have allways dated hopeless romantics, and it has been heady, heavy and intense. and i grew gatvol of them quickly.
i have entertained the thought that, growing together slowly, as opposed to headlong falling, is better, in the long run. its just hard to re-adjust my mindset. and i really hate being alone. and he has no intention of us sharing a life. infinate confusion.
I was thinking of you this week-end, my boss lent me a book and I read it last night simply because I knew she was going to quiz my opinion about it. Although, at this point of my life, I considered it a bit naive and too “pretty”, it might be of some use to you. Its called “Act like a lady, think like a man” and it covers the basic emotional differences between the sexes, and has some “decoding” passages which you might find useful.
i will google it, there may be a pdf download, or i will just get it off kalahari.net
it all depends on what you want out of a relationship and how you define love.
here’s tim minchin’s take on it.
he happens to be married and has a kid.
Tim Minchin - If I Didn’t Have You (Napisy PL)
I neglected to mention though, there’s some god-speak in there, just skip over it, unless you’re like my S/O who’d promptly burn the book because of it, then I’d suggest you dont waste your money on it in the first place.