Signal Bad? Turn Up the SkWelch!

Ken Welch is a real piece of work. He has “developed” (and I use that term to mean “pulled out of his posterior”) a technique he calls Speech Reversal that allows one to discover another person’s true agenda from a recording of their speech, or so he claims. Prominent political figures have been so examined, and therefore this topic could just as easily be at home in “Conspiracy Theories.” Or “Fun,” except that Welch is as serious as a metastasising brain tumour.

Basically, his technique consists of three steps once you have obtained a recording of a speech segment by the person whose true agenda you wish to scrutinise:

[ol]- Stretch the recording by about one third;- Re-record it in reverse, and- Listen to the result repeatedly until it sounds like something that confirms your suspicions about the person whose voice it is.[/ol]

Step 3. is the most important for success.

The amount of stretching and the order in which the first two steps are applied can be fine-tuned later, once a message has been detected. Such variations are explainable through the singularly slippery ingenuity of the subconscious in disguising its own expressions, while at the same time revealing them. It is not clear why the subconscious should engage in such apparently paradoxical behaviour, nor how, on the one hand, it can instantly mix down multiple tracks with consummate skill and play them back without the conscious being any the wiser, and, on the other hand, feel compelled to boast childishly of its true intent.

The technique is most easily applied on a PC using digital voice recordings, which are easily available on the Internet or which you can make yourself using a decent sound card, and a fairly simple sound-editing suite. Thus, Welch has added some convenient innovations to the earlier “Reverse Masking” on vinyl LPs allegedly used in particular by heavy metal bands of the late 60s, 70s and early 80s to subvert the youth with satanic slogans, according to Cardinal Coprocephali.

Curiously, Welch’s technique works best on the voices of people you don’t much care for.

For his very valuable contributions to our understanding of current events, I hereby nominate Ken Welch for a Sleazy Maggot Award, and temporarily retire from these proceedings for the purpose of taking a shower. Or three.