Dishonest Psychics

From the Daily Mash

New psychic research by Roehampton University found that 96% of spirits contacting living relatives basically just want to say all the malicious things they couldn't have gotten away with while actually in a room.

Professor Helen Archer said: "Ghosts have told us that the biggest plus point of being dead is that you are free to speak your mind. You don’t have a physical, punchable body plus everyone takes you much more seriously.

“Beyond the grave is the perfect location from which to be really vindictive. But dishonest mediums, who fall roughly into the two categories of ‘immense women in mauve’ and ‘men with serious ‘mum issues’ who wear foundation’, are twisting the spiteful, antagonistic messages of the dead into vague, comforting platitudes.”

Spirit Emma Bradford said: "Since I ‘passed’ I’ve been desperate to tell my son-in-law what a hopeless imbecile he is, and how his burgundy Madza MX5 with personalised number plates isn’t cool, it’s laughable.

"But when I tried to communicate this via an ‘arena medium’ she simply said that, I wanted them to know I was there for them, and to give the dog a biscuit from me.

“I kept screaming at her, saying ‘no, tell him his spray-on hair looks like cake icing, the twat’, but she wouldn’t listen. It’s almost like she wasn’t actually psychic.”

Dead World War II veteran, Stephen Malley, said: "If I could find an honest medium, I’d tell my dickhead relatives how much I appreciate them ebaying my medals before I was even cold, and that I’m working on becoming a poltergeist so that I can break all their windows and do ectoplasm in their sink.

“And before you ask, yes, the spirit world has telly.”


I’d like to be a poltergeist. They take no shit from the living and are’nt shy to chuck around the sugar bowl in the kitchen either. I’d also have no problem with psychics relaying edited versions of the message I’m trying to bring across. My intentions and emotions would be quite apparent.