Future authors to look out for........

Following on from Anacoluthon64s summary of Dan Browns new novel in the Flame wars thread, I thought I’d add these fun examples from aspiring writers…

  1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its
    two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
  2. His thoughts tumbled around inside his head, making and
    breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling
  3. He spoke with the kind of wisdom that can only come from
    experience, like a guy who goes blind because he looked at
    a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in
    it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools
    about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one
    of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
  4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he
    was room-temperature Canadian beef.
  5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like the sound a
    dog makes just before it throws up.
  6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
  7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
  8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disin-
    tegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude
    shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM
  9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly
    the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
  10. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene
    had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation
    in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead
    of 7:30.
  11. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after
    a sneeze.
  12. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers
    raced across the grassy field toward each other like two
    freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m.
    traveling west at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19
    p.m. traveling east at a speed of 35 mph.
  13. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with
    picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.
  14. John and Mary had never met. They were like two humming-
    birds who had also never met.
  15. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and
    she was the East River.
  16. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel
    trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted
  17. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But
    unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
  18. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get
    from not eating for a while.
  19. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck,
    either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from
    stepping on a land mine or something.
  20. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he
    heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

Now I know I’ve read the 3rd one somewhere before already. Who is the author??? What is the book?