I am God

I was working at a school over two days this week. This morning a teacher told me that a mother phoned her about yesterday’s Gr R show. The child said, when asked if she enjoyed the show, yes, she learned about the stars, the moon and that god was in there as well! She could not see him but he’s got a loud voice and he knows everything.
So I’ve got it on good authority now that I am God (out of the mouth of babes or something like that). Now is there anything I can do for you? The currency for doing things was sacrifice but that’s been watered down to prayer. This will not do, my standard are higher. So let me know what you can offer and I will then (if your offer is acceptable) do it for you.

Fine print: Since I am now God, I will from now on move in mysterious ways and therefore you might not quite get what you ask for.

pls God are you going to any better at listening than the other 3000 gods?

My all powerful senses detect no offering so my hearing is not to good right now…

Dear God…

Why is it that you apparently answer my bosses prayers to help her staff but not the millions of people praying for Syria?

I have to look into this matter but the price (offering) is a confidential matter between me and the client follower. As for the people in Syria: They went and prayed to someone else and as you all should know that is a big mistake. They can not expect anything from me. I am, like some other god, a jealous god.

Dear God,

A day or two ago I overheard colleagues of mine discuss the tsunami that killed 300 000 people a few years ago. They concluded that it was your way of keeping population under control, and while it was kind of tragic, it was nevertheless necessary and a good thing.

Please comment, 'cause I think I’m turning pretty much into an atheist here…

Let me explain it like this: In order for the Americans or Russians to show that they can hit any country with a missile, they hit the Moon instead. I did that to show I can save anybody. Think of all the survivors, there were more than the few I had to use in the experiment.

Dear God I don’t understand your math: World War 2 killed some 50 to 70 million (we don’t count so good either!) but it did nothing to limit population growth and the killings took place in the wrong countries…why are you so stoopid? the war should’ve killed off at least 500 million Chinese and the same for India…that is if you wanted to do what brianvds says you had in mind:

Next time around come check with us atheists…we’ll tell you where to go!

[quote author=Brian link=topic=2691.msg27355#msg27355 date=1363887424]
Dear God I don’t understand your math: World War 2 killed some 50 to 70 million (we don’t count so good either!) but it did nothing to limit population growth and the killings took place in the wrong countries…why are you so stoopid? the war should’ve killed off at least 500 million Chinese and the same for India…that is if you wanted to do what brianvds says you had in mind:

What is this population control talk? I said very clearly somewhere to go and fill the earth. There is sill a lot of unfilled space.

Hiya God,

Hope it’s not too late to log a call.

Can you please bless our vegetable patch? Also, if its not too much of a bother, I’d be very grateful if you could fast forward the moon to a nice waxing gibbous in Gemimi: we are trying to squeeze in a late sowing of tomato before winter kicks off. In return, I promise to sacrifice a couple of Romans.

Yours sinfully,
Rigil

I don’t know about the Moon. This will screw the people who live by the lunar calendar and you don’t know what they offered me not to change the phase, so I think you must start naming numbers before I can consider this request. Because you came with such a spoiled brat demand I will not bless your veg y patch unless you can came up with something more than a sacrifice. That is so last millenium.

God
I have a resident frog living under my Atlas Earth fountain, he is a good frog and he greets us every evening when we sit outside enjoying our twilight tea. He’s but a little bloke but he has a huge croak and lets rip whenever he hears us, I do suspect that he might be lonely, and since you know everything, tell me how the hell to figure out whether he’s really a “he” and where to find him a maaitjie?

Amen.

You are of course right, oh Lord. I must not only ask for myself. As a stylish addition to her fountain fauna, please also provide Faerie’s frog with a large heron for company.

Amen.

Dear God,

As an impartial observer (inasmuch as one of Thine creations can be impartial), I feel it is my duty to point out to Thee an unsettling fact. Perhaps it would be wise and beneficial omnipresently all ’round if Thou agreed’st to grant the occasional minor boon with no strings attached, e.g. sending a paddapleeg to assist Faerie. The disturbing alternative is that people will start losing faith in Thee due to an oversupply of reticence on Thine part.

It’s just a freely willed thought, though.

Sincerely,
'Luthon64

Kiss him. If he/she turns into a prince it was a he and you are then his maaitjie, if not, it’s a she - probably a spinster.

What you are saying here is that there are free lunches. No, no point in being god then, a lot of passing blame, having to accept credit and all that. This is hard work. You have any idea of how much energy it takes to whip up an tsunami or volcano? Pay up or go over to some of those impostors, see if I care. (I do like the odd braai though, he he.)

Yuck! Their breaths always smell of garlic.

If Thou would’st allow a humble dissenter a sliver of backchat ere Thou gets’d all smitey: Not a bit of it! What I’m suggesting, Your All-Everythingness, is that omnipotence can provide an infinite series of free lunches without batting an all-seeing eye’s lid, and that the occasional freebie (just within statistical expectation, no more than that, see?) would be in Thine own inscrutable interests and cost Thee bugger-all.

However, I do recognise my own humble fallibility and inadequate grasp of Thy unfathomable wisdom in these matters.

'Luthon64

;D ;D