I slept with a species from another Genus… No Homo.
What do you call a snake that is approximately 3.141592 meters long?
- A πthon.
Well, I got mixed reviews last time so… proceed with caution.
[spoiler]
What’s the best thing about fingering a gypsy on her period?
You get your palm red for free.
[/spoiler]
Mr Bear applies for a job as a cleaner at a pub, and is interviewed inside the establishment.
Publican: What’s you name, son?
Mr Bear: I am Mr Bear. Grrrrrrr!
With that, Mr Bear bends down, takes a huge bite out of the counter, chews it up and swallows loudly.
Publican: And where do you stay?
Mr Bear: I live in the woods. Grrrr!
Publican: Do you have any cleaning experience?
Mr Bear: Yes, certainly. I worked at the carwash.
Publican: Do you have a criminal record?
Mr Bear: Of course not! Grrrr!
Publican: And do you abuse drugs, Mr Bear?
Mr Bear: Never have, never will.
Publican: Then … what about the barbiturate?
A man is sitting in an interrogation room and says:
“I’m not saying anything without my lawyer present!”
Cop: “You are a lawyer”
Lawyer: “Exactly, where’s my present?”
Master of the paraprosdokian.
I used to be into BDSM, bestiality and Necrophilia, but then I noticed I’m beating a dead horse.
Edit (bonus): You can’t run through a campsite. You can only “ran” because it’s past tents.
Not really a pun, but since we’re talking about that sort of thing, here is a quote that I enjoyed some years ago.
I prefer my lovers to be female, human and alive. But in a pinch any two out of three will do.
What’s the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?
One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
Two old ladies are sitting in a park when a man in a trench coat suddenly runs up and flashes them.
One had a stroke. The other couldn’t reach.
A lesbian couple gave me a Rolex for my birthday. I said I wanna watch.
I didn’t know what to wear to the premature ejaculation support meetings, so I just came in my pants.
I broke up with my tennis playing girlfriend: Love means nothing to her.
The rotation of the earth really makes my day.
No matter how kind you are, German children are kinder.
Russian dolls are always so full of themselves.
Never trust atoms they make up everything.
Especially atoms of the element Trumpium.
People assume, because I’m a child of the 1980s, that I go around carrying a great big blaring boom box on my shoulder. Truth is, I hate that stereotype.