Our neighbour to the back of our property complained about smoke from our chimney during the winter of 2012. We didnt utilise the fireplace for the rest of that particular winter. During the winter of 2013 we used the fireplace twice and about a week later she arrived with a posse of Metro Police officers and loudly proclaimed that she would have us arrested and would sue us for her health problems (she’s asthmatic). We consulted an attorney who drew up a compromise letter where we will only utilise antracite in our fireplace, she refused to agree to the compromise. We did not utilise our fireplace again, however, we are now also not able to freely use our backyard braai as this is also an issue to her. We have good relations with all the other neighbours and all were willing to provide a statement that our fireplace and braai does not constitute a nuisance to them at all.

Last night we had a Estate agent knocking on our door stating that our neighbour sent her as she (the neighbour) said that we would like to sell our home…

This of-course led to us sitting in our garden thinking up vengeful retaliation - from throwing HTH on their lawn, having a 3 ton truck full of pig manure delivered on their front stoep and getting Whackhead to phone them.

What would you like to do to people when they finally manage to piss you off on a grand scale (aside from going the legal upstanding law abiding citizen route which we are…)

Get a few tubes of liquid superglue and squeeze their contents into all of her Yale-type keyholes, including padlocks, while she’s away. Then amuse yourselves as she tries to get back into her house…

Or you can clone her number plate, mount it on the back of your car and take a lengthy drive around the e-toll highways after the 3rd of December.


I’ve always mused about picking an particularly bad enemy and writing something creative, on their driveway, using thermite.

What’s that, a red hot ant?


Get hold of her credit card details and order a whole lot of grunge porn to be delivered to her house.

Smear some axle grease on the inside of her car door handle.

Make an anonymous call to SARS and tell them she hasn’t declared the income she makes from renting out her bod 'round the hood…

Can she deduct for asset depreciation?


A powdered mixture of iron-oxide (rust) and aluminium. Has a very high ignition point (so you have to light it with a blowtorch, etc), but it burns so hot it’ll melt through an engine block in seconds [1].

Put an ad in all the papers for smoke-free charcoal. With her number as the contact number.

Lol I think send one back to her at least.

Get yapper-dogs.

Briallian!!! ;D

And there I was, thinking that you are a peace loving, turn the other cheek, bunch. Not even Christians would come up with this.

Or wait till the end of the 16 days of non-violence against women and children, then shoot her in the head.

A little bit far maybe. But really I would have a big braai every saturday, invite the local biker club.

There is no law and will there ever be a law in this country that says you can’t braai.
I think it is the constitution.

If you can get at her inhaler undetected, put some novocaine on its mouthpiece. Then get your youngest to phone her, asking to speak to Mrs Numb-lips.

Or, instead of novocaine, rub a habanero chilli around the inhaler mouthpiece and have your youngest ask for Mrs Hot-lips.


;D Now that’s dark!

Or crapper-dogs.

From another thread, but Boogie has a point…

Anyhows, my saga continues, on Friday night we received a final written warning from the council to stop burning our garden refuse in the middle of the night. The night in question was last Thursday in the middle of that huge thunderstorm that hit Gauteng…