(Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.
Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it’s still on my list.
Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
They begin the evening news with ‘Good Evening,’ then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. My desk is a work station.
I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
In filling out an application, where it says, ‘In case of emergency, notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR.’
I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.
You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Where there’s a will, there are relatives.
And mine is…I’m supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
Nope, its true, ever seen a gorgeous supermodel standing next to a Danny Devito clone? Anyway, I, myself like a wrinkly rugged looking man… I dont do fat though, I do have some standards… >:D
I once tried to be friends with the Bear community but that was a bad idea. Everybody started thinking I was actually into Bears. I had to cut my losses quickly and hope nobody mentions it ever again.
I have standards but they are far tooo high so I settle for being single.
I am particularly fond of the circular definitions where the meaning of a word is applied to itself, like:
• Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
• Reincarnation is making a comeback.
• Being superstitious is bad luck.
In similar vein:
• Don’t think just because you’re paranoid, they’re not out to get you.
• Have you noticed that all the people who favour birth control are already born?
• Meddle not in the affairs of witches, for…. ribbit? ribbit?
Some more paraprosdokians:
• He who laughs last thinks slowest.
• Before criticizing another man, first walk a mile in his shoes; then you’re a mile away and have his shoes.
• A bird in the hand makes it difficult to blow your nose.
• When the cat’s away you don’t need to clean the litter box.
• Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
• People only live happily ever after on a day to day basis.
• Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. The answer is yes.
• Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
• The best way to save face is to keep the lower part shut.
• My wife and I have a perfect understanding: I don’t try to run her life and I don’t try to run mine.
• Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me.
• The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you have it made.
• When it walks like a duck and it quacks like a duck, it probably should stay in the oven a while longer.
• The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
• You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can never fool mom.
• Are you going to come quietly or do I have to put in earplugs?
Most of the above were sourced from Coast to Coast backpackers’ guide.
