??? Ok, that one was actually not too bad.
When I was a baby my mom would force-feed me alphabet soup.
She told everyone I loved it, but she was just putting words in my mouth.
My wife was in labour and started shouting “Wouldn’t, couldn’t, shouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!”
The midwife re-assured me: “They’re just contractions”
I went to the pet shop and asked for 12 bees.
The shopkeeper carefully seperated 13 of them, put them in a bag, and handed them over.
“… and the 13th one?”
“That’s a freebee”.
A cross eyed teacher recently lost her job.
She couldn’t control her pupils.
I got a new job teaching English in a prison.
It’s a tough job, but like always it comes with some prose and cons.
To the person who stole my glasses…
I will find you: I have contacts.
Why do mermaids wear seashells?
B shells are too small, and D shells are too big.
There’s a pub near my house that takes 10 minutes to walk to, but it takes me 56 minutes to walk back.
The difference is staggering.
Two male deer are leaving a gay bar. One turns to the other and says: “I can’t believe I’ve just blown 20 bucks”.
What’s the difference between a hooker and jesus?
The look on their face when you’re nailing them.
What’s ET short for?
So he can fit in that tiny space ship.
My son was looking up at the sky and asked my how stars die…
“Mostly overdoses”
[spoiler]Wrong on many levels[/spoiler]
My friend tried to convince me he’d glued himself to his autobiography. I didn’t believe him. But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
If semen determines the sex of the baby, that must mean it’s gender-fluid.
A priest once told me I was the prettiest boy he’d ever seen, I was touched.