"The children now love luxury; they have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise. Children are now tyrants, not the servants of their households. They no longer rise when elders enter the room. They contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up dainties at the table, cross their legs, and tyrannize their teachers."
"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
- Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899
I am a big douglas adams fan…so, here goes some of that:
He attacked everything in life with a mix of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence, and it was often difficult to tell which was which.
A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools
The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at and repair
Welcome to the forum Kien
Some more of my favourites from Douglas Adams
Now it is such a bizarrely improbably coincidence that anything so mindbogglingly useful [the Babel fish] could have evolved by chance that some thinkers have chosen to see it as a final and clinching proof of the non-existence of God.
The argument goes something like this: "I refuse to prove that I exist," says God, "for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing."
"But," says Man, "the Babel fish is a dead giveaway isn't it? It could not have evolved by chance. It proves you exist, and so therefore, by your own arguments, you don't. QED."
"Oh dear," says God, "I hadn't thought of that," and promptly vanishes in a puff of logic.
"So what do we do if we get bitten by something deadly, then?"
He blinked at me as if I was stupid.
"Well what do you think you do?" he said. "You die of course. That's what deadly means."
A man didn’t understand how televisions work, and was convinced that there must be lots of little men inside the box, manipulating images at high speed.
An engineer explained to him about high frequency modulations of the electromagnetic spectrum, about transmitters and receivers, about amplifiers and cathode ray tubes, about scan lines moving across and down a phosphorescent screen.
The man listened to the engineer with careful attention, nodding his head at every step of the argument. At the end he pronounced himself satisfied. He really did now understand how televisions work.
"But I expect there are just a few little men in there, aren’t there?"
Some advice about investing on the stock exchange…
October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.
- Mark Twain
Yesterday when I was running some analytics on quite a big database, a colleague was sitting next me waiting for the results. We were working with lots of records and it was taking some time to process the necessary queries etc. The discussion started to go around how much data there is and what a mess it was etc. when one of my colleagues said to me (Unaware of my outlook on life etc.) - “Can you imagine what god’s database looks like?”
Needless to say I nearly choked on my tea!
Okay, so what’s the speed of dark? - Steven Wright
Scientists are rarely to be counted among the fun people. Awkward at parties, shy with strangers, deficient in irony - they have no choice but to turn their attention to the close study of everyday objects. - Fran Lebowitz
Hey, I have no sense of decency. That way, my other senses are enhanced. - Bulldog Bricoe
If the universe is expanding, why can’t I find a parking space? - Woody Allen
The Chinese just put a man in space. They didn’t use a rocket: they stood on each others shoulders and passed him up. - Al Murray
Scientists have discovered a noise made just prior to the big bang that sounds something like ‘oops’. - Cully Abrell
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn is composed entirely of lost airline luggage. - Mark Russell
I’d challenge the use of the word “Funny” in the title. While the wilful ignorance is often shake-your-head amusing, there are many quotes that are at least equally disturbing for containing an undercurrent of ready violence born of brain-dead intolerance and glee over the misfortune of those who have different beliefs. Worse, most of these people will assert that they are spreading “peace and goodwill.”
Call me humourless, but in this case I’m ashamed of the human race, rather than amused by it.
Possible title change.
Is "funny" really apropriate? I think we should rename it, Stupid Theist quotes or something. Because I'm not laughing.
As examples of stupidity this is perfect. In the final analysis though it is frightening. Frightening that people like this exist in all religions & no doubt amongst atheists as well. Frightening that people can be so stupid. Frightening to think of the trouble they could/do cause. Wish I had some answers, but no matter how many times I entreat the invisible pink unicorn, nothing springs to mind yet. All hail the mighty invisible pink unicorn. You know it makes sense.
Barring the latent cruelty conveyed in some of these quotes, what struck me most is the clear and presumably deliberate misunderstanding of atheism. Atheism still seems to be viewed as a competing RELIGION amongst many theists.
Perhaps this is so because atheism can’t be rationally attacked without demoting it to a religion?